Barbarella's Backstage Pass

It's a GIRL!!! IT’S A GIRL! Isabella Maria was born to my sister Janemarie early this morning. I haven’t been able to see her yet, but after work I’m heading straight over to the hospital to take a peek at my first niece!!

Psst.. between you and me, I was really hoping she’d have a girl. Now I have a niece and a nephew! Just in case little Liam turns out to be a heterosexual, I now have someone to teach the art of makeup to! Whew! Unless, of course, little Isabella is a lesbian. Gee, that would be quite the quandary. But I trust my uncanny wit to figure out a master plan that will ensure my entertainment throughout the raising process of my sisters’ children. That’s right.

Monday, no work! I love having things to look forward to. According to an article I read yesterday, knowing that there will be fun and/or joy in your future is good for you on many levels scientifically. I pretty much already knew that, though it’s always nice to have scientific back-up.

The Locked Box – 18 February 2004

“A bit beyond perception’s reach / I sometimes believe I see / that life is two locked boxes / each containing the other’s key.” - Piet Hein

Yes, that describes my professional life at this time. No matter how hard I work each day, there is always more to do, and something done was done improperly, according to at least one person at any given time. M.s. told me, “just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” echoing Dory, our favorite fish from Finding Nemo.

Frustration can be debilitating. Lack of control chips away at my motivation. Stress has become a fixture on the wall in my office. School is going great. I’ve received a perfect score on every presentation and every paper in this class. The last comment on my last paper was, “where do we go from here?” This is what happens when you are a better writer than your instructors. I caught a few mistakes and grammatical twists after re-reading my “perfect paper.” Hmm. Some of it just has to do with preference, I guess. I’m sure they read more for content than style anyway.

It’s like two fucking extremes here. At school, I can do no wrong, and every assignment I complete is literally the “best” that these teachers have seen, and I’ve actually been told that by more than one of them. Then, there is work. Everything I do here is inept, incomplete, needs to be reworded, re-written, re-packaged, re-done. I can do nothing right, and every day I am lectured on the importance of whatever-fuckup-the-day-has-brought-to-us. Anywhere where you have employees who have been around for over 10 years, you are bound to have people settled into their ways and resistant to change.

Here I come, new ideas, new concepts, varied experience, and I can’t apply it anywhere. I would settle for getting through a day with the feeling, the recognition, of having done something well. Something is amiss on one side of this extreme. If I am such a stellar student, how is it possible to be such a poor employee? Either I am being graded way too easy at school, or expectations at the office are painfully unrealistic.

I’d be happy with a middle ground for now. Until I figure out where I’m going and what the hell I’ll be doing, I’m stuck with what I’m doing NOW, and I need to make the best of it before I can move on to any other place in life.

Today, I will sit in my locked box and continue to attempt to carve a key from the wood around me with the tools I have at my disposal.

My Good Life – 8 November 2002 & 19 March 2004

Okay, I need to stop reading the news. An article about a burglary, where they actually wrote, “…carried a shiny handgun,” has me stumped. Is the word, “shiny,” necessary here? It just seems so misplaced, so incongruous with the article’s content. The evil, sneaky burglar had a shiny gun and beady little eyes that glistened in the darkness. Is this the news or an elaborate short story? I’m having a massive multiple brain-fart… no more news for me this morning.

I was in a meeting the other night (you know, the big meeting in which we aired our dirty laundry?) and at one point, my boss said, “We all want better lives, so we all need to work together so that we can have them.” This is when I interrupted her - “Actually, I have a pretty good life,” I said quietly with a smile. She replied, “Well not everyone can have a perfect boyfriend and a wonderful life, BARB, so fuck off for this part, the rest of us need better lives.” She was kidding, of course, and we all laughed. But I wasn’t kidding. I have a pretty good life, and better yet – I know it.

I AM Corybantic pg.11

I AM Corybantic
pg.11