Barbarella's Backstage Pass

On another note, this morning I thought of what I would do if I knew this was my last day to be alive. Not a good thought for someone as introspective as myself to have, you know. I thought, “I know what I’d do… I’d cry. For the entire day. I’d stress and worry and watch the clock.” So basically, what I’m saying here, is if you ever find out that I’m about to die for any reason, just don’t tell me, I’d rather not know, because I know myself too well. It’s an interesting thing to ponder, though, because I strive to have no regrets. Thinking about the finitity (Barbarism) of life keeps me in the mindset of wanting to go out with no regrets, which leads to me taking care of more shit than I would otherwise. It’s an exceptional mind-fuck, and I am constantly masturbating in this way.

Nerve Racking 101 – 25 April 2003

The definition of “nerve racking,” as defined by situations occurring this morning – when a lawyer walks into the office late and says, “Look through these files! I have a hearing that I have to leave for in 15 minutes and though I poured over these files ALL night, I can’t find what I need!” It’s your job to keep the files organized. Everything should be in its place, but its possible that something could have been removed and not replaced. You say, “I’ll find it!” and begin searching furiously through the files. The lawyer says, “Do you REMEMBER having seen it? I can’t work like this! Why isn’t everything in its place! I can’t ask the judge for dates when they should be in my own file! How could this happen? If you took it out of the file, why wouldn’t you make a copy and keep the original IN the file???”

You are frazzled, your heart is beating fast, pounding with the strength of indignation and the energy of fear… did you see it? You say, “I can’t recall. I just don’t know,” because if you say that you did see it, you’re responsible for where it is. If you say that you didn’t see it, when it’s found, you’re fucked. Lawyer makes a call… looks like they never sent it. All this drama for nothing.

TWO MINUTES later, call from another lawyer… judge kicked a case out, do this, do that, write this, call this person, then prepare this paper, email this, call this court, send this out, oh, and while you’re doing all of that, could you stand on your head and hum the soundtrack to The Firm? Great.

AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME that you’re on the phone with this second lawyer, your call is interrupted by the local court – why isn’t a lawyer there? Opposing counsel is there… someone in the office (or a handful of people, it doesn’t matter now), made a clerical error and no one is left to cover a hearing. You get off the phone, you run around, you find the file, you call lawyers on their cell phones, you find one to take care of it, they’re just ready to leave and then… the guy on the phone says, “you know, don’t worry about it, we’ll continue this until the 9th.” Big, heavy sigh.

THAT’S nerve racking. I feel traumatized.

Warm Fuzzies on My First Anniversary – 25 September 2003

After our first date, everyone I knew heard about this “unreal guy” who put raspberries in my champagne and showed me a fetish collection worth drooling over. Everyone I knew heard about every little, tiny wonderful thing he did or said to me. I talked about my obedient new slave as though he was this temporary toy, and a part of me believed he was. I never kept any for very long. But then...

Enter LOVE, stage left. My slave became my boyfriend, my boyfriend became my BEST friend, and then my best friend became my very “significant” other. And yet, he is still all of those things, in every way. Sigh. I never said I wasn’t sentimental. I didn’t want to leave the bed this morning, relishing a moment of bliss, embracing M.s. beneath the soft blanket. Mmm, I’m in a dreamy mood this morning.

I AM Corybantic pg.10

I AM Corybantic
pg.10