Focus on what
you
can do for
him
(or her). If you do things with the idea of making
your partner's life easier and more delightful,
chances are your partner will want to do the same
for you. This kind of thing is contagious. Last
week, David surprised me with a bouquet of sun-yellow
tulips. Because he has shown me how good it feels,
I want him to experience the pleasure of being
thought of -- this can be shown in small deeds,
like cleaning up the house or leaving little love
notes in unexpected places; or bigger deeds, like
finding for him the perfect gift or surprising
him with an evening out (or in).
Keep finances out of it! Many relationships
end because of disagreements over money. To avoid
the big financial fight that plagues most couples,
David and I keep separate checking accounts.
As long as we are each fulfilling our responsibility
to make our agreed-upon contributions to joint
expenses, then how we choose to spend the rest
of our money is our own damn business. If David
opts to drive a beat-up car and spend wads of
cash on artwork, it's not my deal. If I want
to splurge by charging an Armani sweater to one
of my cards, he doesn't bat a lash. My bills
are paid. So are his. End of story. If you happen
to be in a relationship in which it is agreed
that one partner will stay at home to raise the
kids or clean house, then the income should be
divided equally, and you should still keep separate
accounts. A stay-at-home spouse should not have
to ask permission to buy a treat, just as the
breadwinning half of the partnership should not
have to wonder where all the money from the paycheck
is going.
Don't get stuck in a rut. Routines can offer
comfort, but if followed too closely for too
long, they can become stifling. David and I like
to shake things up; we might take an afternoon
to relax in Balboa Park or sign up for a wine-tasting
dinner. We thrive when experiencing new things
together, whether it's a new land (like Japan)
or a hip new restaurant in our neighborhood (like
Café One Three). If dining out is not in
the budget of those separate accounts, breaking
out an old board game for a night of cozy fun
or slipping into something
less
comfortable for a night of playing naughty games
in another part of the house works equally well.
Don't keep score. David said he'd clean the
toilet -- a month ago. I was tempted to tap him
on the shoulder and "remind" him about his promise
and then thought better of it. After all, David's
been working day and night to prepare prints
for his show at Bartram Gallery in La Jolla.
I realized that instead of adding to his stress-load,
I could reallocate five minutes of net-surfing
time and clean
our
toilet myself. I reminded myself that we're on
the same team.
After cleaning said receptacle, I had an urge
to report my accomplishment. Again, I refrained
from following my baser instincts. In so many
words, I'd only be saying, "Hey, I did what you
were supposed to and now you owe me one." This
would be nagging and keeping score, like giving
a gift and "accidentally" forgetting to remove
the price tag. So I let it go. When David noticed
the sparkling porcelain (knowing I must have
donned a wet suit and gas mask in order to tackle
a chore I find vile), he was surprised and delighted,
and gushed his thanks.
"I know you've been really stressed, beh beh,
so I just did it. No big deal, I had the time," I
said, thus communicating my thoughtfulness and
love, and eliciting in him the desire to return
the favor. Committing an act of consideration
is like throwing a boomerang of positive attention
-- if you throw it right, it comes right back.
